Where the fuck is my sense of self worth?

It seems I can't do anything for me, I've been trying all morning to get myself to revise and nothing has worked. Yet as soon as she comes online, as soon as I'm doing it for her, I find motivation I thought was beyond myself. It's stupid. I don't know why I'm like this. I'd always viewed myself as someone who did things for me. If I change who I am, I do it because I want to, not for anyone else, with all due respect, fuck the world.

For a lot of my life, I'd always been trying to be what someone else wanted me to be. Throughout a lot of school I was doing my best for my parent's. I always felt like I was compared to my sister. So trying to beat her academically was my way of being accepted by my parents. Then there was the big ex. Strangely for her I was less than what I could have been, I threw a fair bit away for her, but it was still motivation.

Then I don't really know what there was after that. I cruised a bit, got by for a while on natural ability, I regret not making the most of exams that will define the rest of my life. With hind-sight perhaps I should have taken a year out at this point. Fucked off round the world and found myself, then came back and actually tried hard. But the realist in me agrees with the sceptic who says it wouldn't have changed anything.

So now I find myself in a strange place. I really want to do something for me. Make something of myself that I can be proud of, regardless of what everyone else thinks. With cycling this is easy to a degree, but it's always going to come down to wanting to be better than others, my desire to compete consumes me in that respect. But this much is only good while I stick with it, short of me getting signed (which while I like to dream, I'm 99% sure I never will be) it's not going to effect the rest of my life greatly. My degree on the other hand will do. I want to do it, and do it well for me. I'm hoping that working and living in London for a year will help me man the fuck up, grow the fuck up and come back to do well at it, not for my parents, not for her, but for me.

Don't get me wrong here, I love my course. But I'm not sure it's the one I wanted to do. I knew what I wanted to do before I came here, but was persuaded to be more general as it was too specialist. I'm not sure I regret it, but sometimes when I see those modules that I crush with ease and seem to have infinite inspiration/motivation for, I can't help but wonder if I might have been better off. I'm strongly considering diversifying into a masters in my specific. I'll do a lot better in it, I'll enjoy it, it'll propel me into that field, and if I don't manage the 1st I should really be getting comfortably in this... well it'll top it up and overshadow it. I'll leave Uni with the final qualification that represents my ability.

"When you please others in hopes of being accepted, you lose you self-worth in the process." - Dave Pelzer

Trends of Social Media

It seems the "Fuck-Up" is step one to "Famous", a lot of virals are people who are just stupid, getting views for all the wrong reasons. Some of them actually believe they're getting general public appeal, when really we just love to see them fail. I would almost feel sorry for them if it wasn't for how much their stupidity offends me.

I have no love for "Dun Goofed" and the likes, if someone on the internet has taken pleasure in mocking you, then how his videoing and uploading yourself crying about it and saying more of the same things you were mocked for originally going to help things?

Or an ever growing trend in people ranting about things that piss them off or "offend" them (yes I appreciate the irony but bear with me those who call hypocrisy). This IS okay in itself, but try to form a logical argument. When you're complaining about hating by hating on someone else, you're a part of the problem, not the solution. I'm sure you've all the one (or atleast seen national tv spoofs of [yes it got that much fame]) the ginger kid who was angry about the gingers don't have souls joke. His argument is he must have a soul because he's a christian (laughable in itself) but that means he's not only taking the bait, but then goes onto swear, preach hate, and wish death upon others (not very commandment abiding). Now this part of my argument is weak yes, the bit that gets me is where he later goes on to say (and I'm paraphrasing here because I don't want it to bleed my ears again) "If you don't like me, fair enough..." (I thought good, now say but keep nasty things to yourself or other such reasonable gesture) only to flip right around, stutter and brake into "but if you don't like me, then fuck you, go kill yourself!" ... AreYouFuckingKiddingMe, and you wonder why people hate on that?

Now this isn't a reaction post, I hate giving them the press (hence the lack of links). It's been something I've been thinking for a while, but was sparked on to write it today when I called a rising "star" on it. The video was essentially an irate middle-aged black man complaining about racial stereotyping and how the a black cgi robot had been given a gold tooth. Now I'm not being racist but... (LOL JK) this guy is exercising a lot of the stereotypes he sits in his BMW and complains about. So I call him on it with a simple comment "make video about stereotyping, wear 3 necklaces." His reply "It's actually two, Moron. The invite was in error. Disregard." I had to laugh, 2 (though it's quite clearly 3) chains IS very much the kind of bling he was complaining about, and the smarter of the two of us had managed to accidentally send a friend request to me while trying to reply to a comment (I'm really not sure how).

Yes, before anyone points it out, I realise this is a rant, complaining about people ranting, on a blog with the primary purpose of being a soapbox for me to stand upon to rant; but I feel (or at least hope) that I present slightly more logical arguments. If not, feel free to call me on it, Moron.

Short, not Sweet

It's been a month, and I've felt like every update I'd considered so far has been purely for the sake of it. I can't say this one's much different, but it's an update with some news at least.

The month's been ups and downs, mostly ups, but there have been times when I've felt really shit, or worried excessively about things. So I'm on some med's now, pretty simple stuff, 3/day, all natural, no prescription. These seem to be good, but I end up feeling really tired as a result. On closer inspection I discovered them to be no different in make-up to my sleeping pills. Essentially their solution to anxiety is sedation, can't worry if I'm asleep eh? It's a bit of a joke, but tbh I'm not too bothered, they seem to do what they're meant to, I stay calm, and unsurprisingly I'm sleeping a little better at night while on them. The only trouble is I can't drink while on them. I don't mean problem as in I can't stay off the stuff, but there are some occasions when social occasions where drinking is a nice activity among friends, so I have to plan in advance to not take them that day, a little bit of a fag really. Also, a listed possible side effect is depression. My reaction to this is one of complete whatthefuckery. I don't understand how that's an acceptable side effect of something that's quite similar in traits and often go hand in hand with each other.

Well, 'nough said on the matter, moving on to other things. I guess as a general statement, "I'm trying, but not sure how well the progress is going" could apply to just about everything right now, so fuck-it, that'll do. Until next time.

I Swear, I'm Retarded.

So last night was... Erm... Different?

I'll admit I was a fool, and not just for the content of the last post. Last night I washed down an oversized dose of sleeping pills with half a bottle of spirit. That was dumb. I'm not proud of it. But I'm not certain I regret it. The state I was in I just needed to shut my brain down, and quiet the voices in my head. I'm not saying that's a good way to do it, I wish I knew a better one, but it does work.

I slept well last night, it was nice to have my first dream in a long time, and feel pretty good today. I'm not saying my brain isn't full of worry about things, but it's prepared to accept reason as a strong possibility, and really, for me that's bloody good.

I'm going to try and work on a system for those nights, one that doesn't involve drugs of any kind. As soon as I can wear a helmet again I'll give night rides a go. Strap a light on and go blitz a circuit of the nearest wood, it's one drug for me unlike any other. But then this isn't perfect, because it will significantly reduce my sleep hours... I'll try keep you posted x

Not knowing is the worst

Maybe I'm alone in this, but when I don't know, my brain tends to come up with 1001 worst-case scenarios, without giving the logical more realistic options a look-in.

While I hate to admit it, alot of these posts are mainly about a girl, so please call me a broken record and close the tab where appropriate.

It seem there are up days and down days. The ups are like crack to me, I can't get enough, I feel great when I'm on them. But the downs are killing me. It's stupid to take a non-reply and read something into it. But I have no idea why it happens. I think I've offended her. I think she's gone off me, or that the texting is bugging her. It's not until 10hours later trying to calm my mind down when I try to tell myself more logical explanations like busy or dead battery, and even now when I'm being "rational" my brain rejects these without a second thought.

Yes, this is pathetic, but this is what GAD does to me. At times I really can't take it. I've been noticing a correlation, a trend if you will. It seems the amount I am effected by this, relates directly to how emotionally attached I am to someone. When it first became enough of an issue for me to do anything about it, I was in love. I ended up having sessions with a psychiatrist. When it played up last year, I was seeing someone. Now, I can feel it's effects taking hold on my brain, on my thoughts, on my actions... and I'm falling for someone. Makes me wonder at times if my brain is simply not programmed for love (not that I'm saying this is love)... and I choose the word programmed carefully, it seems to work in logic, and logic alone. Emotions just mess with the system (now I sound like a psychopath).

I've run out of steam on this chain of thought, So I'll sign off now, more soon I'm sure x

Emotional / Relational ...

In a way this is the real topic of the post, but also the one I am most unsure about what I'm going to end up saying. I really wish I knew where I stand. while I love aspects of the position I'm in right now, but I honestly can't tell you where I'll be in a months time, and part of that worries me... not overly, just in a hating to repeatedly waste so much of my life to return to square one with nothing gained but bad memories.

I know I'm young, but I can't help but feel I've wasted my "youth", I know I've learned so much... but I seem to not put any of it into practice, rendering the lessons useless, I'm pretty much on repeat of the same situation again and again, just escalating the build-up and shoot down... for fear of sounding like my vagina is coming along nicely... I'm genuinely afraid of getting hurt this time, properly, and I was warned I might be (I explained this in a post that never made it to the blog).

There's a word I hate to use, I'm not even going to disgrace this post with it's presence, but I fear I might be under it's influence. I know it's stupid, and I'm disgracing it by even thinking it... I can see the faces now of a few of you as you read this... but the feeling reminds me of way back when (the part where I was happy... before the other 3 years of crap).

I think my read on the situation is terrible. Ask me after one conversation and I'll tell you things couldn't be better, ask me the next and I'll tell you they couldn't be worse. I forget that there are so many other factors than just the ones in plane face, and I read everything that isn't clearly defined as the worst it could possibly be. I don't mean to be a pessimist, but it seems that's my brain's natural reaction to the uncertain.

To conclude this post as best as I can my thoughts. I guess I have to wait. Wait to see what happens when next anything can... and until then, keep doing what I have been and hope that what I'm doing is constructive for both of our sakes...

I Kinda Felt Like Posting...

It's been a little while since my last post (I honestly don't know how long) but I felt the need/want to update, so here goes:

Swings and Roundabouts... a phrase I never truly understood, but it certainly applies here.

Fitness wise I'm good. I've been training (cycling) but more of that on it's own blog.

Sadly I can't say the same for work. I had all these plans to do work / revision ect all holiday, be really proactive and get lots done, hitting the end of the holidays ahead and fully ready for exams and kicking some butt in the summer exams. So far I've done nothing, half way through the holiday, and I've done sweet FA. I have nobody to blame but myself, but of course I will try...

I'll blame the town: it's a real love hate relationship I have with it. I love being "home", the free food (not having to worry too much about money) and being able to see some of my best friends. But at the same time the temptation to do something other than work is huge, I'm seeing a bunch of people who aren't in my boat, I'm not used to it. I'm not for a minute blaming the people, I love them... but I am hating on the town a little. There's also something about it that drives laziness deep into me... I was up and active before 9 most days at uni, here 12 is an early day... my routine hasn't changed, so to be honest I can't put my finger on what's actually causing it, but it doesn't seem to happen anywhere else.

Emotional/Relational. -shifted to next post-

Mood: Very much up and down, sadly not of the bi-winning kind. My sleeping has been good (for me) the introduction of a wakeup incentive is good, even if going to sleep has been difficult at times, it just punishes my laps with tiredness. I found a pack of old sleeping pills on the floor, so I might be knocking myself out with them every now and then. Depression is definitely there at times. I really don't know why at times, it just comes on and hits me hard. I would say I've "turned to drink" to help cope, but this would imply that it's a recent change... I've noticed it now for the past month or two that I've hit the booze, on my own (IRL), in my room, and often in the dark. I know this isn't healthy, and I know I really should tackle this issue (maybe make no-alcohol part of my training) but until I can find a better system to cope, I don't know what I'll do, part of me seems to think that getting the girl will instantly trigger riding off into the sunset, and that I need do nothing else save wait for that.

As I type this now I realise (amidst replying to the text of a concerned friend who picked up on my tone) how pathetic I sound. Man I wish my brain was different... I'd gladly trade IQ for clarity... I don't want to throw about names of excuses (*conditions) to gain their sympathy (*pity) but if you want to hear my theories I'll tell ya... just don't laugh... that's it for now, I'd say enjoy but it'd seem crass

You're a Fucking Idiot!

Surely you see how what you say and do hurts her? It's not big. It's not clever. It's just insensitive. And even if it was "funny", is it really worth it at the cost of the feelings of someone you care about?

I get that everyone messes up. It's not like I'm expecting you to be better than human. But when you mess up, you apologise to those you hurt, and you do your best not to do it again. It's not something you bait her with when she's hurting.

Maybe I'm a fool for thinking this way... but it just seems like common decency to me.

So I'm topping this one off with some balance because I realise this works both ways.

Summary of why I hate my sister sometimes...

Me: "how's work?"

Her: "yeah it's really nice beacuse I really look forward to going in the mornings and the days go quickly and interestingly
and I'm really conscious of God's presence at the moment, which is making everything wonderful
and things are going to so unbelievably well with me and Herp - he is wonderful and I have never felt like this before - not even close
I am so completely in love"

Ranting the frightening interior monologue that is my mind.

Why is it that as soon as one thing starts going well, everything else seems to go to shit? It never seems to happen sequentially either, they don't take it in turns to go to pot, everything happens at once.

Today has been pretty shit. I get rejected from a job application. I sit down to do some work that should be simple, and I just hit error after error without explanation. I now have a relatively future defining presentation to give in ~40hours, about a topic I have yet to choose, and I can't even start work on it now, because I have other deadline of essential things to hit before it.

My minds all over the place right now, and piling all this pressure on top of it really isn't helping. I find myself angry, in a strangely large quantity for me. I'm not angry at all the outward factors that would be so easy to blame though. I'm angry at myself... for letting it get this way again.

It seems that every time I get a wakeup call I declare how different things will be. I say "not next time" and spend 12hours being productive to fool myself. Then I drop back into the same old ways, and wonder where I went wrong. Well I didn't go wrong... I am wrong. I really need to stop fucking up.

You'd think that the logic behind putting in 3 years of hard work to set myself up for life would draw pretty simple conclusions, and evoke the obvious response from me. Yet still I procrastinate (and complain about it).

3 weeks ago, after some terrible results, I vowed it'd all be different, that I'd go to every lecture, and try hard, take notes, and not leave it all to the last minute. But where am I now? I have 3 weeks worth of Mondays to catch up on; several lectures in 2 of my other 4 modules; I'm letting my team down just one week into the new project; and I'm pissing away what is potentially my one chance at doing what I want next year. As for the lectures I do attend... I can't remember the last one where I wasn't text/IM ing someone, or trawling through facebook / reddit. I have nobody to blame for this but myself, but I don't know how to change me... I could sit here and vow to go to all my lectures and try harder... but I know it wouldn't last long; none of my personal goals ever seem to... I don't know why I bother sometimes.

Another thing, I'm allowing myself to be fully distracted in my usual work hours as well, or miss complete days of uni without so much as a second thought. 'Why?' you may ask... well, seems I've again been crippled by an Achilles' heel... though that implies an external fault... this is entirely my own fault. When there's a girl involved, I seem to think it right to put all else on hold for her, drop anything I'm doing when we're talking, and leave anything behind to see her... without any thought as to their importance. I know it's stupid, but I can't seem to help myself. I know I shouldn't, but I do anyway, as if failing my degree would be the perfect way to get the girl. Oh and for those wondering, the post I made early this morning... that was relating to said girl... I finally MTFU'd and confessed my feeling. I'm not going to go into huge amounts of detail, but it only took me 6months, and I did it face to face... so I'm improving (Y) </tangent>.

I hate how all this ends up playing out on my brain. I end up stressed and pushed for time. Being pushed for time stresses me further. Cycling relieves the stress, but leaves me even more pushed for time. Then all this playing on my mind stops me sleeping... I have trouble enough shutting down as it is... and of course lack of sleep will both stress me and slow me down, causing a direct feed into both sources of my problem... and the more tired and stressed I get... the less rationally I think about all the many things I'm worrying about. If you followed all that, you'll see why I'm well and truly head fucked right now. I doubt I'd sleep tonight, even if I wanted to. But I should try. Can't let insomnia rule me... well not too much anyway.

Sorry for how this one is set out... I'll speak better to you soon... ah who am I kidding... peace x

Man I overthink things...

Yesterday I made a big guesture. I've already told some of you what this was, but for the rest, lets just say it's something that will evoke a degree of emotional responce. But the trouble is now it's just me and my thoughs, I'm analising every little detail. Every little thing that was (or wasn't said). I'm reading every status as if it were about me (gosh that sounds big-headed). To summarise, right now, my head is all over the place.

Don't get me wrong, it feels good to have finally gotten things off my chest. But the problem is I now scrutinise how I did it, and replay it in my head on such and endless loop that each time I sound more and more like an idiot to myself.

I feel like I've run out of steam with this post already, so I'll cut it here to end waffle. Shall probably explain this better and add to it in another post soon.

Desire / Availability / Obtainability

I feel there is often a lot of confusion between these things, and yes I'm referring to the world of dating.

If someone likes you, they are available to you, this often makes you think you desire them when you don't.

If someone is unobtainable, you desire them, they instant you get them (obtainable), you don't want them (¬desire).

Funny then isn't it when both of those can effect desire, yet no amount of desire can make the one you like available or obtainable.

The Goals I Set Myself In This Blog in a Nutshell

Worth a Watch

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00ysfvh/How_TV_Ruined_Your_Life_Love/

So true, I'm glad I'm not the only one :')

Why worry? I wonder all the time why worry?

Worry. It's a strange sensation, and I know I'm not the only one.

I worry about a lot of things... mostly those I don't have control over. Which is stupid really, because I can do simply nothing about them, and should be resolved in this fact.

Confession: I had a few months of therapy, when I was around 16, about my excessive worrying. I was diagnosed with "Generalized Anxiety Disorder". The treatment helped me to reduce the symptoms, but by no means cured me.

I've started to notice I'm not the only one who worries though. Following last night's post I had two concerned friends check if I was okay, I appreciate this guys, thanks. I guess I do only tend to do these posts when something is up, but for me I tend to pour my thoughts and my worries into the blog, post it, and some way forget about them. Or atleast that's the idea anyway.

I guess my main trouble is I ponder the worst case scenario, before eventually coming up with, less convincing, more realistic thoughts.

On a relatively unrelated topic, but it's too small to post on it's own and I want to say it. I'm fedup with something my mind's been doing lately. At times when I'm not around others and am not specifically happy (not necessarily sad) my brain starts reliving arguments with the ex, or things I could have done better, ways she annoyed me... anything negative about the concept of relationships... it really drags me down, would kinda like it to gtfo.

Anon out.

False Optimism and Why Nice Guys Finish Last

It's hard to be optimistic when there's so much bad in the world. At times I really have next to no faith in humanity. When I hear stories of how some 'people' (and I use the term oh so loosely) can act, can treat genuinely nice people. It just makes me sick.

The worst part is I often get a read on people like that, yet I dismiss it as pessimism, or a read based on jealousy... and it's not something you can tell those at risk of being hurt. You have to wait... watch... and pick up the pieces as the inevitable happens.

I get no satisfaction from being right, and it pains me to see those I genuinely care about feel such pain... but what can you do? << An open question, please respond.

If it's not obvious by now, this relates to a girl (yes again)... I don't want to give too much detail as it would seem to me a breach of trust... and right now I'm about the only one she does trust.

This makes me rethink past rants in a way... I've always said why not the nice guy... but I've in a way finally had it explained to me. The nice guy does the right thing, and will give a girl time. The bad guy pretends to be the nice guy, and some times very convincingly, but he moves quicker, doesn't let the girl have time to think, takes advantage of innocence, naivety, and the fact that others have hurt her in the past. It's crude. It's sick. But I can see how it could fool far too easily.

Thats all for now... regrettably I can imagine there'll be more on this soon.

The Friend Zone...

There's no real way i can explain it, but it's like... if you've ended up in "the friend zone", then something about it somewhere down the line wasn't meant to be, it never would have worked. So if you've ended up there then at least you never made it so far that u got really hurt later on...

It's a positive spin yes... but give it some thought.

What a difference a ride makes...

One thing I want to say is that fitness and cycling now has a new blog. I'm not going to spread the link on here, because it is directly linked to me, and not at all secret. But if you know me, and want the link, just ask :) if there is a demand for it, then I'll post them anonymously somewhere else as well and link off to that.

Ok, so motivation is an issue for me, I struggle to get going with things, even if I really should be doing them. After a while it even effects the things that I really want to do, but just take a bit of effort to start. I've been feeling pretty down as a result of it all.

Tonight I went on a bike ride, nothing strenuous, a leisurely pace, about an hour long, covering just over 10miles. This doesn't seem like a lot, but it's been so long since I've done it. It felt truly amazing. I'm sitting here (in bed) feeling, happy, clear headed, motivated to get up and go in the morning, after going to bed at a sensible time. This again may not seem like much, but for me it's pretty huge. I guess it really is the little things that make your day.

I want to ride daily like this, maybe the evening is good for me (despite the cold). The key is finding a good motive, atm I have a friend who likes the idea of a ride every other day, this could be useful for me. I will try to do it, perhaps I just need to promise to do it to someone I care about... then I'd be sure to do it.

Ahwell, that's all for now, more for another night maybe. Hope you're all well, big love xxx

I didn't use you for sex audience... honest... I was just drunk at the time.

It's been quite a while since my last post. I feel a little bit bad about this, there is a certain level of commitment I aim to uphold to a certain frequency of post. Translation: sorry I forgot.

To some extent I really have just been busy, but there's more to it than that. It would seem that in my life, the amount I blog is directly inproportional to how happy I am. For those of you that don't follow the strange version of logic that my brain functions in: basically I post lots when I'm down or sad, but not so much when I'm happy. Lately I've been mostly happy.

This is good surely, but to some extent it's superficial. "I'm wearing a smile that I don't believe in" to quote one of the many BBTL/LOTD. I feel like I'm waking up and wearing a smile for those around me, or doing something that makes me happy in the short term, but is a complete waste of time, or leaves me unhappy in the long run. It's not just on the little things either, I'm doing it more and more on the big things too, like my life, or as it will soon be known the 18 years I wasted in the education system to become unemployed again just like when I was three-years-old.

See and now I'm coming back with a blog post just because I'm a touch unhappy. I don't want you to feel like I'm using you, but to be honest, sadness is when the best content comes out. If a diary consisted of 365 entries of "today all was swell and nothing bad happened" would be a pretty dire read. So erm... the ends justifies the means? But then, I don't agree with that, so no.

So I guess the other main reason I'm down is sleep. I just can't do it. I have been trying a lot of different thing, and the only thing that seems to take the edge off the insomnia is alcohol. This is not a good thing to admit, nor is it an easy one for me either, but I think I'm suffering a bit from alcoholism. I'm relying on it, becoming dependant. I have strong desires to sit in my room and just drink the evening away. I really need to tackle this, but I procrastinate every aspect of my life. I've decided to tackle this if it persists after my short post-exam (and post-stress) holiday, but who knows if this will stick. Tweet/Wall/Message me if you feel the need or concern to bug me about it.

I have got a little bit more that I could go into... but I feel that deserves my proper attention another time.

Until then, consider yourself Phil'd-in.

Note to self: that joke only works if your name is Phil, and anonymous'd-in isn't a thing.

Friend Burned By The Lyrics

So I've been meaning to post this for a little while, it was a lyrical burn by a very close friend that rings true to me as well.

"I think I found a flower in a field of weeds, I think I found a flower in a field of weeds. Searching until my hands bleed, this flower don't belong to me..."

Sorry man but I had to

A New Year, A New Me...

So forgive the over user and unoriginal title, but one man's laziness is another's efficiency. That said efficiency would have me come up with some form of resolution prior to the new year beginning. I however have decided to wait a few days, for realism's sake.

On that not I come to my first of a few resolutions. For those of you that know me, or perhaps have even just read a post or two, this past year I've been somewhat the pesemist. It was suggested to me that I should try and be optimistic this year. Obviously I doubted that would ever happen, but I like the thought, I'm going to try and be a realist instead, all the positivity where it's due, but nothing so dispointing as false hope.

It would seem that happiness has struck me recently, I'm not completely sure where from, but I do put some of it down to the workouts. Unfortunately ill health has struck me recently, but the smiles haven't dwindled too much, and I aim to kick it all back up again in the next few days, I have the hardware, now for the software...

The only other thing I can think of is work, I want to knuckle down to it and do good at it. I'm a bit behind I'll admit, but I have to potential to excel, and I hope to do so with enough effort put in.

To be honest I really don't have much more for the new years resolutions; health, happiness, and hard working. I quite often talk (complain) about 'love' but right now I'm more than content with my situation, and have now goals for the year so to speak.

I guess the last thing I want to say is thankyou, it's been a long and often hard 10months, but I've had a few dedicated and some more occasional readers. Without readers this blog isn't really anything, so just letting you know I do appreciate it.

Until next time, I'll try and come up with a new 2011 sign-off.

Fitness / Life Update...

It's been the best part of a week since I posted about fitness, so here's how it's been going.

Jogging has been going well. We go every weekday, not at weekend (my friends didn't want to). But the main part is I've stuck to it so far, and feel better for it. On Friday we managed to complete an entire jogged lap of the park, and now I am keeping track with my Garmin I can see that our pace is improving steadily. Sadly the snow melting has made things a bit boggy, but it's still good.

I've kept with the daily mini-workouts, and while I haven't had another larger one since (I've literally been working constantly in my free time) I feel like I'm improving, all ready to up to 20pushup 40sittups in the morning. Hopefully having another larger workout if I get some free-time in my schedule.

I've been eating healthier recently, taking more time to make a larger healthier meal and then go for quick re-heats of it for subsiquent meals. the time management is roughly the same over time, but the content is better. I'm also able to afford smoothie again which is a big bonus.

As far as consumption of fluids is going, I know I meant to drink 2litres/day, but I've only been managing 1.5/day. I don't personally see this as a failure, the intake has upped significantly, and while my bladder doesn't really approve, I feel good for it.

Nothing on the whiteboard front. But I stopped looking when ebay didn't insta-yield perfect results lol.

I have held fire on the sleeping pills, and also the sleeping pattern. In the past 4 days I've only had a few hours a night. Been working myself hard and burning the candles, I'm thinking another reset at the weekend coming, be it stay-up and reset or pill/alcohol induced coma reset I'm not sure yet, we'll see. But while I like being up late, it's not great considering it's now approaching 3am and I have lectures in the morning... we'll see.

So that's the update. More to come soon I'm sure.

PS

I've also decided that the QOTD/LOTD are most likely going to be a twitter exclusive thing, so follow me @quotesandrants or hit the like button and check the facebook page for both feeds combined.

False Security - QOTD...

So it seems it's only the times when you think your doing really well when pain creeps up on you.

I thought I was doing just fine, and then I look through some old photo's (foolishly). Just seeing her be auto-untagged was like a knife through the heart.

To finish with today "Quote of the Day" taken from a song, and slightly adapted.

"The loved-ones that leave us will always hold a place."

Peace.

So Today I Want To Talk Fitness...

I've spent a lot of time today trying to work out a decent regime for myself. For me it's an important part of "the new me", so I've come up with a plan to get fit, get healthy, and most importantly, I've tried to make it do-able.

I could go back over this blog and find countless failed plans of self improvement, and for fear of sounding like a broken record, hopefully this one will be different. I guess technically I can't call the last one an entire failure, it was unduly interrupted and I did carry it back on. This is a step-up, and evolution if you will, of that.

So I guess the main changes in this compared to any other plan I've tried is the incentives an motivations that apply on a personal level. This is really important, when I've failed before it's been out of laziness, lack of drive, and being poorly motivated. This time I've picked a few aspects that interest me:

My friends. It's easy to let yourself down, but I hate letting down other people, especially my friends. I'm now going to be jogging daily with two of my course-mates. It's not my activity of choice, but it's sociable, and good for cardio and legs, two area's I need to get fitter in for cycling. Even if all else goes to pot, this should stay going based on the lack of wanting to let others down. We've done the first two runs in the snow now, so should be easy to keep going with improving weather.

I'm a geek, if I can drive this with technology you can bet your bottom dollar I will. For cycling I already have the Garmin Edge 705. I can use the heart-rate monitor in every little workout I do and it will also track duration. I will now be using it for pace, heart-rate, distance, and laps when Jogging. I've been using the SportTracks on my computer to analyse the data from this for a while, but haven't done so for ages. I'm now using the software with a complete athlete profile measuring my personal stats and assigning my workouts to it. For me the incentive of making my stats improve or increasing the graph is HUGE, and seeing progress on a graph is rewarding. I'm also going to be inputting the profile data daily, making me more likely to workout more on days when I haven't done much.

Today for the first time in a while I had a proper workout in the evening. It was simple, and basic, but good effort, and I felt better for it. I'm going to try to continue with these when I can fit them in, ideally daily just before tea. Will have to see, no promises.

One thing that has always held me back health-wise is water. I hate drinking it. I've stocked up on the tesco-value and am now going to Aim to drink 2litres/day of squash. I should feel alot better for this again, as I tried it once before near the end of last year (academic) and so will just try and stick to it better this time.

I want to get a white board, or if not big reminder posters. So it's a big reminder of what I have left to do today for my daily routine to succeed.

I shall have Kinect for Christmas. So this will help with morning workouts in the new year. Hopefully I will have the sleeping pattern cracked by then.

I'm going to hold-fire on the sleeping pills for a little while. After having a little fail with them recently I got them to work by combining them with 3pints of cider... not my best idea granted, but there we go. I have noticed they make me feel more drowsy in the early part of the morning, and as part of this was me just wanting to get up earlier that kind of defeats the object :S

Well that's all I can remember for now. I'm late for bed again, but I wanted to bash this out before sleep.

Until next time, big love xxx

You Know You Need Help When...

So it's night's like these when you realise you're not okay... and there's no quick fix, no one person that will make things okay... no one thing that those who mean the most can say.

But that's fine... you're only human.

Just don't do anything drastic... anything stupid... talk to someone... don't hold it all inside and expect to be the master of your own emotions... because you're not... and there's nothing wrong with that... The only weakness is pretending everything's fine when it clearly isn't.

Just remember, like me, everyone has someone, you may think you're a burden to them, but you're not, there's no point crying out in an empty room... let them in... let them help... be smarter than I am.

1 week into the new me...

It's been a while since my last post so I thought a quick update was due. Generally things a re going pretty well. With the exception of 'the morning after the night before' I've been getting up at 7, having a small work out and then getting up properly. The only trouble is that that's been 3 out of the 7 days this week. That said that's a definate improvement on the happiness side of life, and I have felt healthier within myself.

With the snowfall I've been riding my propper bike again. I really want to get back into this again and take it seriously. The trouble is the cold leaves me ill-equipped and the longer I leave it the worse I'll ride initially when I do start up again. But that's for the other blog.

So one thing I have done is start taking sleeping pills. All natural over the counter ones, but it's medication none-the-less. They say take the n hour before bed and settle, and this is helping with a nice routine. However as you may guess by this late post, atleast to some extent they aren't working. Tonight insomnia defeated the pills. But hopefully I won't be too disheartened by this and will just have to try again tomorrow night.

Tonight in an effort to tire myself out, I made the first incriment in my workout routine. It went well. Hopefully this is news I will be able to continue to tell you.

Until next time, good night xxx

Today's Life Update

Last night I was about an hour late to bed. Sorry about that.

On the plus side though I woke with a jump this morning, and did twice my normal workout, and took about half as long to get up and going.

Despite the fact that I'll probably be even later to bed tonight. This is most definitely progress. I'm still aiming for the 7am wakeup with workouts. Should be fine, and being tired (if I am) will help me kick back into 11pm sleep the next night.

Everything is good.
Until next time, live easy, and take care of yourself xxx

Cold, Yet Warm at Heart...

It's funny how the smallest thing can change your mood. The words of a friend so simple but could make all the difference between a good day and a bad day. So today I say this: It's cold outside, so be warm inside, if you care about someone, tell them, you never know, it might just make their day. It certainly did mine.

QOTD

"When the spirits are low, when the day apperars dark, when work becomes monotonous, when hope hardly seems worth having, just mount a bicycle and go out for a spin down the road, without thought on anything but the ride you are taking." - Arthur Conan Doyle

Last night went well...

I went to sleep stupidly early... but I guess not an unreasonable time all things considered. Sadly my alarm never went off in the morning. But I know I was awake before the sun came up (7:30 - 8:00) and was fully up once it started... so no later than 8:00am really.

I even managed to have a small workout without leaving the warmth of my duvet. Sit-ups and Press-ups. For now I am doing small number of reps (30 and 15 respectively. However I'm going to try and do these every day, and step it up on a weekly basis. The pan is +10 sit-ups/week and +5 press-ups/week with a new week starting on Sunday am.

It's a start, and best of all, it's a good one. I can slowly step things up. Then have the added bonus of House Plant and Kinect at Christmas.

Hopefully I shall be updating with more good news soon.

Until then, look after yourself. Big Love xxx

So I reached under my left eye-lid and gave it a good press...

The past 36hours have been a reboot for me.

I decided to stay up and not sleep last night, power-on with some much over-due work, and generally be productive. For the most it has seemed to work well. The reduction in weight of work on my shoulders feels nice. To be perfectly honest right now I feel great. Happy (if a little tired), but upbeat, optimistic, and positive. I'm just hoping it lasts.

As of 7am tomorrow the regime will kick in again with 11-7 sleep, and being productive while awake. I need a nice simple workout to ease me in, and as I still don't own connect, I'm just going to have to improvise this one. Fingers crossed that it works well... but regardless... it will happen... I feel determined now... and hopefully after an early night an a long sleep I will in the morning.

Diet will have to take a back seat... I simply can't afford it, and as for oxygen, well a house plant is on my Christmas list.

One gadget I wouldn't mind is a "tea's made". An old gadget so it appears that I'd never hear of until just the other day. An alarm clock that makes a cuppa. I would have to get up to get it, drink it, and then have a caffeine boost :) Sadly they all seem to be broken, old, or expensive. I don't see why such a thing would go out of common use.

More realistically I'm probably going to try some sleeping pills I've had recommended to me by a friend. I know I've dabbled in the thought of this for some time now... but I think having a recommendation makes it more likely that I will got for that, otherwise I would be basing my system on guess work.

Next update coming v. soon xxx

Things haven't been going well

I failed epically regarding my last update... And as you can tell by the time of this post... I continue to do so.

A lot of stuff has been playing on my mind. A lot of things troubling me. It feels like I am somewhat spiraling out of controll.

My plan is to tackle things head on this weekend. Friday night I plan to reset my bodyclock by not sleeping. Then going to bed early and rising early Sunday morn. This way I should be able to get back to the sleep pattern. I will also try (tho still lacking Kinect) to get in a morning workout. Work will be another issue to tackle... I have many hours of notes to go through and things to deal with. Then starting next week going to up attendance to 100% (fingers crossed) and do my darndest to stick to all this.

Something that has been missing from my life is cycling. Besides riding to lectures and back, I haven't done any proper riding in about 6weeks. It's stupid, and the cold really isn't helping. Much as I'd like to phase this back in it doesn't seem too likely. Might just try and up the effort I put into the morning ride.

Well until next time...

Life has no reset button...

It's been about a week since I gave up on the world, but yesterday things starter to feel good again. I'm not going to name-and-fame who were involved, but some friends really cheered me up.

I've decided to try and get back on track with things. First things first I need to sort out my sleeping pattern. So I'm going to get back to 11-7. Without exception. When I get up I want to be doing something active. I would love to start my day with a shower, but then if I'm active afterward (like a workout) I'd require another shower, so I don't really want to get into this routine.

I'm really wanting Kinect for the Xbox360. I've played it a few times with a friend, and even the basic game that comes with it is a really good workout. It would get me up and down in the morning, and genuinely be really good fun. Then I could phase-in genuine workouts... Hopefully I can find a spare £120. So seeing as that isn't too likely, any ideas about what I could do instead?

Well I'm going to get on with things for a while. Will post later with updates plans and ideas. till then... Big love xxx

"Life"

So there's no way I can window dress this to make it any less shit.

On Tuesday night my aunt died.

It was untimely, and unjust. If I were any sort of believer I would be having a crisis of faith right now. But I'm not. So I'm just having a crisis.

My sleeping plan has gone to shit. I can barely get to sleep, wake up repeatedly during the night, and when I do wake for the final time, I wish I hadn't. I feel so exhausted that I just lay there in a semi-concious state until I have to get up.

I really don't know what to do with myself. Or do about this. I know I haven't been hit as hard as the others in my family. But this is the first family death I've been through in my lifetime. It's not something anyone should ever have to get used to.

I don't know to what extent I will be continuing with my project of self betterment. While I want to I just don't see the point, or have any drive to bother. I'm quite happy - though I use the term losely - to sit and just be.

Oh Irony...

So I got this email about how I could attend classes to help people who keep on procrastinating... The trouble is I just keep on putting off joining lol.

Time to think...

It's funny how fleeting and fragile time is... How many years can become 6months in the space of a week... And how overnight 6months can become a few days... Really makes you think... I guess the por la mañana attitude can really destroy something precious...

Humanity was doomed from the start...

You know those days when absolutely nothing seems to go right... Nothing per say has gone wrong... But certainly not right... You end up feeling like you may as well give up on the world...

Well it seems like one of those days...

I should have known really when my alarm on my old phone decided to go off at 3am for no real reason... Should have just taken it as a sign and written the whole day off and stayed in bed... Bt then I'm sure my dreams would have been less than kind... The one I did have simply reminded me of everything I didn't have...

but then again I never have been one for believing in signs and such bull... And dreams are merely a meaningless extension of the subconcious in which it gets to play around with a mixture of unconnected thoughts.

And that tangentally leads me onto my next point... One that played in my mind a little while back... And sorry... But essentially this is why there is no god.

If there was a god... Then he wanted us to fail... Therefore not all loving... Therefore no god.

god created man in his image... Therefore either god was flawed... Therefore not perfect... Therefore no god.

Humans were given free will... But an all knowing god would still no what they would choose... If this is true then he would know man would fail the test in the garden of eden... And so either set us up to fail (not all caring)... Or didn't know the outcome of free will (not all knowing)... Either way, no god.

Now I know this is heavily antisymetic... And possibly offensive... But I just can't believe in a system which by it's own definition is flawed so badly.

I guess it takes a day like this to see it all clearly... The clarity in the gloominess...

Meh... That's all I got... Feel abit better now... Take care xxx

Just a little mobile update

So it's been about a week and a half since my last update... And i feel that is a little too much tbh... I know I never meant to keep up with the daily updates... But weekly would have been good.

That said I have been tweeting QOTD (Quote of the Day) and BBTL (Burned by the Lyrics) which you can either see by following me (@quotesandrants) or on the facebook page (see top left).

As the title suggests I am posting this from my phone... Trying a new blogging app out... Which if it works nicely will mean I can blog on the go with ease and so more frequently.

So here's the update... Sleep is good... I've been properly in bed by half 11 all nights I haven't been partying... And then getting up at 7 every morning... I feel like I have more energy in the mornings now and I definately feel better for it.

Sadly I haven't introduced the workouts into my morning routine yet... While I have had MORE energy... Its not quite enough to be active... The one thing that seems to make me wake up is a shower... Notl exactly the best pre-workout activity.

I still need to look into getting myself a plant for my room... Will have to see if theres something cheap, easy and photosynthesis heavy.

The clocks have gone back... This means outside is lighter earlier... And getting up will hopefully be a little easier due to this.

Well thats all for now folks... New update soon I'm sure... Big love xxx

The end of the first week...

So after the busy weekend things return to normal... last night was half 11 till 7am... so I did well... and I am now back at home and ready to step things up on Monday...

Not really alot to say today, so I will leave this one short and sweet... until next time... take care xxx

Oops I Did It Again...

So I've managed to get some connection via a Bluetooth phone modem... so a late but still on the right day update.

Last night was most definitely a fail. I have no idea what time I got in... but I know it was well into the morning... I honestly don't remember much of the night... I was smashed... and when my alarm went off at 7am... it was the most I could do to fumble my way to finding it and turning it off... I went back to sleep and finally got back up at about 9:30

I felt pretty shit most of the day. Was probably still drunk until about 1pm... and had a terrible splitting headache for the rest of the day... I finally managed to sleep and drink it off by about 6... and went out to dinner feeling well... sadly dinner was incredibly slow... and so I had my main course about 9:30pm... so I'm pretty sure tonight's sleep will be bad... but hopefully how shattered I feel from last night will help to counteract it.

Will talk more later as I want to go sleep... take care xxx

Today's Update

So yesterday I messed up significantly... don't ask how, but I forgot to eat dinner... so when it got to about half 9, I was starving hungry and had to have a relatively decent meal... this broke my no late eating rule... I was then watching tv with dinner and carried on, so went to bed at 11... then took a little time to settle so was late to bed... then snack-induced insomnia kicked in... and I really struggled to get in a state where I could sleep, I ended up watching some internet tv to settle.

I still managed to get up at 7, but felt a little bit dead for it... but while bad this isn't a disaster... however, tonight I shall be going out, staying up late, and getting to bed in the wee-hours... it's a mate's birthday, so I think it's excusable... but I'm not sure what I will do about waking up as I will be seeing my parents tomorrow... I may have to leave abit early, just end up getting not enough sleep, but not stupidly so... and hope I can catch up the next night... maybe survive of caffeine for one day to limit the damage... but I'll do my best, whatever the weather... I'll try and keep you posted... it may be easier than I thought :)

Until then, take care... big love xxx

Simply put, the next update...

So I did do an update today, but it seems it never published about that... so sorry

So last night I slipped up... I allowed myself to stay up till about quarter to 12... this was foolish... and I don't really know why I did it... it would have been just as easy to close my laptop and fall asleep as it was to lie there and type awkwardly and get the nasty crick-in-the-neck... but I did it anyway... this being said, I slept really well... didn't have a huge amount of trouble getting up, and have felt somewhat refreshed throughout the day... I haven't even found myself yawning... which is strange, especially when it was a 9am start... and I only had about 30mins or R&R before getting up and being active.

I also noticed and increased attentiveness in lectures... that was until the boring one... but even then I wasn't struggling to keep focused or stay awake as I have in the past weeks. So I guess things are improving.

There are still a few things I want to work on... I've been reading up abit on things (which really doesn't happen alot) and it seems oxygen levels while you sleep are important... it seems cracking a window will do alot to making me feel better in the mornings... this however really isn't an option for me... the house is so cold anyway... if I let the frozen air in I'd probably be so uncomfortably cold that I wouldn't sleep... I am instead going to get a plant I think... something which photosynthesises well... but this will mean I will need to atleast partially open my curtains to allow some light to get in to the room... so I may try for a more natural awakening as well (2 birds one stone) by having the light well what there is as 7am to help wake me gradually before my alarm goes off.

While I'm doing my best to stick to this regime and keep it going strong, there may be a problem at the weekend... I'll be staying away from home with family and so we may be going out and about or goodness know's what... I'm not going to change the 7am wakeup... but may not get to sleep well before it... and while I will do my best to blog it... I don't know if I will have available time or internet access... but I will do my best... I guess that's all I can do...

Finally, I have set the goal to step things up a notch and have a morning workout, starting on Monday... hopefully this will stick... I'll certainly do my best.

Until next time... Big Love... and Take Care of Yourself xxx

What's fair anymore...

I feel the word fair is thrown around way to much these days. By definition it should be a midway, and agreed equal where everyone gets what they deserve.

But far to often it's used to mean "I didn't get what I wanted." or I hear someone say "That's not fair on me." well either it's fair on everyone... or it simple isn't fair at all. It seems fair has no got a completely self centred way about it.

On a tangent, it's often asked as proof against the existence of a God, "How is it fair that a God would kill or hurt so many thousands of innocent people?" and I've only ever heard one good answer to this, although I had to piece it together myself, it's far from the cliché of "it's all part of a plan we don't understand", and that is this: None of us deserve to go to heaven... there are no good or innocent people... Jesus died on the cross to forgive all our sins... past, present and future... and to think that anything we can do is even close to comparable to that is just selfish.

Now PLEASE don't think that for one second this is a religious plug... but it kinda gives a nice different perspective on what's fair in the world, weather or not you believe in it (which as you know I sure as hell don't).

Now I don't hugely know where I am going with this, but I want some amount of food for thought to be served up on the subject, or at the very least I've brought it to your attention for the 30seconds that you skim read this post in.

But I too am guilty of this... I often complain that "it isn't fair how nice guys finish last" ... but I'm sure that if things were "unfair" in my favour then I can't imagine I'd be complaining... like if "nice guys" always got the girl then it wouldn't be fair... the bad guys wouldn't get a chance, or be able to be reformed or held down-to-earth by the love of a good woman. Now I know it's easier for me to complain about the situation as despite what you think, I personally plot myself on the nice side of the divide.

I guess the solution is to always try and do what you think is right and hopefully some day things will sort themselves out and become fair in the end.

Day 3 / Night 4

So I'm about 14hours late again with my update... I'm thinking (as the name suggests) a shift in schedule... I'm running out of time to do the blog in the evening when I would like to optimally... and so I'm putting the life plan ahead of the blog (and rightly so).

What I think I will do is update on the past 24hours at around lunch time each day, though so I don't miss anything out, this blog will cover the past 36ish to catch up.

So Monday night was pretty good, I was about 10 minutes late to sleep, but was very happy when I did it, thanks RM :) ... Getting to sleep took a fair while as predicted, and when my alarm went off at 7 I really didn't want to get up. But I took a few deep breaths, turned off my alarm, and when and had a glass of water. The house however was freezing cold, so I decided to sit up in bed, wrapped in my duvet, and muck around on my laptop. I did this till about 8:00, which isn't optimal, but is atleast going in the right direction. Again, I still have no energy for the work out in the morning, I'm thinking I will phase this in in the second week, when hopefully I have abit more energy.

Throughout the day I felt pretty shattered, I resorted to a caffeine boost in my first lecture... but I persevered, I took most of the rest of the day quite restfully with the exception of a little cycling.

Getting to bed that night was easier, though I confess I was about 30mins late :/ but I got to sleep alot easier due to the exhaustion. Perhaps this is just my body clock adjusting, or putting up on final battle to make me revert, I don't know, but either way I shall stick to it.

This morning, again waking up was hard, but I pushed through, and felt okay in my 9am Lecture... so far so good, I plan to fit in a workout this evening, and maybe do some work work... it's abit cold for a bike-ride really... well imo anyways.

Until tomorrow, take care of yourselves xxx

Day 2

So it's a little late, but here is the day two update:

So I went to bed at 11, but I found it alot harder to get to sleep without being intoxicated, probably took me a few hours. So when the alarm went off at 7, I was tired... but none the less, I took a few deep breaths, got up, got a glass of water, but had no energy for a work out... so I turned on the light and sat in bed on my laptop... I figure while not perfect this is a significant improvement.

I felt great throughout the day, the ride in was easier, and my lectures I was attentive and engaged well... I didn't take my laptop, and I felt that I learned a fair amount better.

In the evening, I kind of had some really bad news, I'm not going to post it on here, I've told a couple of you, but if you know me and want to know more, then I've skype-chat/msn/txt it... but find it hard to talk using voice... anyway... so that set me back abit for the evening, but after some JBC cheer-up I got on with things and was productive, I even had a proper work out in the evening, I figure better late than never, and it also helped warm my room up to a sleep-able temperature. So generally good, I will save the evening for todays (Day 3) post, which I will do about half 10, before bed lol.

Until then, take care of yourselves... and treasure each moment... never take the little things for granted... and take the time to thank those who are always there... I'm just going to initial them at the end of this... my support crew from yesterday, it's amazing... I knew they we're good... but the ability of the read from a simple text, or just knowing the right thing to say, even if it's just offering an e-hug... I love you all... JBC, BD, LJC, RM... and GG... I'll be hitting you up some time soon, don't think I forgot bout all the support you give me, was just all talked out for the day by the evening... so yer, /signoff xxx

An Update Following Yesterday's Post...

So one day on, and I haven't completely failed... this is as much a shock to me as it is to you... I fear so often these things I say, well... "They're just fucking words!"... But I have rung significantly true to them.

Light out both today and yesterday by 9, went up to bed at 10:30, and bed by 11:00... I set my alarm for seven, when it went off, I took a few deep breaths, got up, and got a glass of water, no snoozing.

Thus far the plan is a success... however, a significant element I overlooked... the sleep was an alcohol induced one... so I woke up hungover... not wanting to, or feeling up to, exercise... so I let that one sleep for a while, and stayed wrapped in a duvet, sitting up with the lights on... easing the transition... tomorrow I will try to give it a full go (that and have a mildly warmer room to do it in).

I'm going to attempt to make this a series of daily updates, as an intensive to not fail each day... come Sunday I will see what I want to do, keep up the daily, or drop to less frequent.

Hopefully I will notice a change in the way I'm feeling, both physically and mentally, and if nothing else, might not struggle to 9am lectures lol.

Until tomorrow, take care xxx

Hey,

It's been about a month since my last post, so sorry for that, about half of it I had no internet for (I moved house) but the other half I haven't really got an excuse... just forgot about it really, which is irresponsible, if nothing else this blog helps me keep my mind in check... so I guess I've let my self down lol.

So for starters, I'm drinking atm, so bare with me... I'm not drinking in a bad way, I just fancied it, so why the hell not.

I tried and succeeded for a while in stepping my game up and turning over a new leaf, I was working out each morning, being in bed before midnight, and I had a positive outlook on life, generally I was well on my way to a new me. But then I let it all slip for a week, I went away, enjoyed myself, visited friends... now there's nothing wrong with this, but I wasn't productive, now while this is my own doing, and no I don't regret it or place any 'blame' on those I visited, when I got back, I'd stopped the routine, so I wasn't being productive, wasn't getting up and working out... on the plus side though my healthy living regime did continue, buying and eating more fresh fruit and veg, and cooking properly from scratch. Now while this has taken a dip lately (due to being poor and living off whatever is in my cupbords... but I see that one returning, if only because I will have so little money that I won't be able to afford the ready made foods I will be forced to live off whatever is on offer that I can rustle together, (every cloud...).

One thing that saddens me though, I seem to have given up on (or atleast accepted temporary defeat on) is a personal dream of mine, I can't afford to peruse it, and I haven't made proper time for it. Yes I return to cycling in the blogs (skip to next para if you want) but I was telling myself all summer how I would be racing by the start of this season. I trained through most of summer, but then took a week off, which became a month off, and now I've been on at most four proper rides in the past month... on the positive I have been riding into campus and back about 2wice every day, and when I say riding I mean sprinting, but this is very little consolation when I consider how easily I gave up on myself... perhaps that says something about who I am or something... I don't know... thoughts?

Attendance, last year it was beyond poor... I was lucky to be hitting 60%... this year I have attended all bar one of my lectures so far, and have been paying better attention in them, which is good... but still room for improvement, but something I intend to go the whole mile with, this is now my life, what I do here, not only am I paying for, but it defines who I will become, my success for the rest of my life is for the majority dependant on how much I put in to the next 2-4 years of my life, and while at times I significantly lack drive, I aim to give it my all.

I'm going to set some personal goals here... hopefully by making them public I will be more inclined to keep to them, I'll post updates, and please bug me about it... it'll help:

• I'm going to try and get into the habit of a regular sleep pattern, bed by 11, rise by 7, it will kill me at first, but will benefit me later, if I can keep it without break for a couple of weeks then hopefully I should adjust to it.


• Condition my body, this may or may not be bull, but if I believe it, it should work, lights out in the evening will help my body shut down, no late meals, reduced caffeine intake, and on waking, few deep breaths, glass of cold water, and then exercise, almost immediately... should help with my trouble getting up


• propper bike ride at least 2wice a week. Re-join the club if I can afford it, but if not, do my own rides on wednesdays and weekends, distance can be weather permitting.


• stop taking my laptop to lectures, so far it's only distracted me.


• Game less, I've been doing it alot recently, and want to cut back to more sensible hours, I probably should define sensible, but I can't think of it yet, I will do later.


• Finally, not give up on the goal I set last time, Mountain Mayhem 2011, just gotta get the team together...

So a pretty lengthy update this time, hopefully you made it this far, more to come soon, as of monday I may attempt to do daily progress updates, we'll see... take care of yourself, and I'll try to aswell. Big love xxx

QOTD

Always borrow money from a pessimist, he wont expect it back...

Kind of afraid to ask...

over the past year this has happened to me several times... friends, to not friends, to friends again... and each time... there is still a part of me that doesn't understand... I know this is classic signs of autism... being unable to fully see things from the perspective of another in a social situation, but I digress...

The thing is... there's a small amount of me that it plagues... really bugs me that I don't fully know why... but I'm always to afraid to mention it... there's always this thing in my mind thinking that if I mention a past conflict then it might re-kindle the feelings and make it a conflict of the present or future... make sense?

thoughts?

Big love 'n' all xxx

It's been 6 months...

So I'm sure I explained this one way way back... but one of the reasons I started this blog was... well simply put recovering from a girl who wasn't quite...

It's about 6 months down the road now, and I'd hear nothing... any attempts at contact I made early one were seemingly ignored, and I never heard from her again

That is until now... today she redid her facebook, and added me to the new account... I was taken aback, and in some way my heart sunk to remember... I'd moved on as far as I'd thought... against my better judgement, and regretting it while I did it... I decided to write a simple "Hey, cheers for the ad, how are ya? x" fully expecting to be ignored, deleted, and then feel shite about it all for a short while... but no... it followed a fast 6comment (so far) conversation, just like in the old days, things going well, and being as if nothing had gone 'wrong'.

Now does this mean I'm back where I was 6 months ago... not that I would mind that, but I don't want a repeat of last time... as in the way things fucked up... even though I am pretty sure what happened (this topic will spill into another post)... but I'm sure there's still a flame there that could be easily re-kindled... though I'm kinda apprehensive bout that :/

Don't honestly know where I'm going with this one, this is kinda mental vomit, just getting the thoughts out here in an attempt to clear up in my mind... and hopefully you guys will be kept in the loop atleast

And I have no reason to avoid names... but I have for now... if you want refreshing, just ask... this one I will go into more detail about hapily

Big love to you all... especially you ;) xxx

Flirting isn't a relationship...

So I've already discussed this one with one of the audience/nation/followers... so sorry to you for the repeat... but hey, I wanna get this one out there and off my chest.

Confession: I'm a flirt... people who know me know that, and I openly admit it... but the trouble is, there's this girl who's become... well the only way I can describe it is as the bad part of my ex.

The other day I came back from holiday, came over said hi, and gave her a hug (standard greeting) and I'm met with a dirty look and "you never replied to my text" (which was a generic "who's out tonight" about a week before)... later that night in the club I said hi again only to be told I never pay her any attention... well is it any wonder when every time I do it is met with negativity... it's like she's become possessive of me, despite the fact that we aren't going out... now I have't miss-led her, I've openly told her on numerous occasions that I flirt with everyone, and before this all started happening I would flirt and more with others in her presence... now to clarify, we have made out, several times, but it was just that, because it was agreed that it's an enjoyable experience.

So I'm not entirely sure what to draw from this... does she like me? is it just that time of teh month (sorry if that offends) ? But as one view it was shown to me, maybe she likes to think she's special, despite what's said and gone... who know's... maybe I should just ask her wtf... opinions?

tyvm xxx

Could you?

A Tiny post here, and for once, fuck off no... I'm not going to tell the back story...

But could you date someone who was 3months pregnant with someone else's kid... baring in mind that they seem great in every other way

Please hit me back, big love to all, but bigger to those that do xxx

What happens next, you decide...

So for once I am afraid of being judged on here... I have started something, I don't know if it is more as an experiment, or due to genuine desire and desperation... but certainly motivated by being stuck in bed with the internet for company...

But it's not something I'm hugely proud of it... certainly not something I would publicise or talk about in my personal life let alone publicly... but should I talk it through for the blog... if only as a documentation of progress if any... or to give it a motivation to continue... and as ever, the main amount of people who will read this, know me, and comfortable with them as I am, I don't know if I want them knowing this...

But here's where you decide... should I post it and risk alienating myself a degree... posts on blog / fanpage only will count simply telling me in person doesn't so gonna give it a little while and then see what popular demand is

Peace off xxx

A Generation Gap Is A Lot...

It's weird... I know my parents are old, and considerably older than me, but I'd never seen the generation gap as a big thing until more recently...

Quite lately it seems like they're from a whole new world... or at least this one only with attitudes of several hundred years ago... it's baffling sometimes

I'd always considered my Dad as technology capable, did a fair job setting up computer at home, worked predominantly in IT and seemed at the least competent... but some of the things he was coming out with today were astonishing. Imagining services on the internet that he wants, that simply don't exist, and asking me to slow down and explain what I was doing when going over a few simple button clicks of stuff I was doing for the first time myself. Also the level of fear he seemed to have for changing things, or having a million layers of encryption for a password with letters, numbers, characters ect, or his worries of having his pictures of landmarks on a recent holiday visible to only people he chooses...

Another thing that I have only really noticed since I broke free of my shackles about 2 years ago is how "white bread" they are... their attitudes to sex and relationships seem like a Nazi regime compared with what some of my friends get... now you may think I'm exaggerating, but let me give you a few examples... If I want a female friend to stay over, I get the reaction "Well you'd better be in separate beds" I stress, this was just a friend, nothing more... and quite frankly if I wanted to share a bed with a female friend, so what? it's just nice having some goddamn company... heaven forbid there should be some actual romantic interest involved, I don't know what they'd do... They tried to have "the talk" with me at 15 (I believe) about how if I did want to have sex (said in the voice one might have used to describe the black death at the time) then they hoped I could sit down and talk it through with them first... as If they think that they are actually approachable... as if every issue I've talked about with them before has gone so smoothly (and yes that is sarcasm)

Now I know this is a very cliche thing to say, but I really do mean it... I really don't think my parents understand me... they are just from a different time... now I'm old enough to voice my own opinion me and my Dad constantly lock horns, anf my Mum just doesn't get it... now don't get me wrong, I love my family... and will have severe words with anyone who speaks bad of them... but this just needs to be said...

Am I the only one who thinks this... or does anyone else agree?

xxx

Somewhat Shot Myself in the Foot...

So this blog is great... and it is for the most part anonymous... the trouble is, I have told a select few friends I trust about it... now I like this, I know people read it... and it has helped me keep this going... and I get encouragement (especially from GeeGee) to keep posting when it's been a while...

The trouble now is what to do if I find myself in a situation where I want to talk about someone who know's that this is me... Obviously the whole point of this being anonymous was so that I could talk about my feelings freely or about people I know, without the worry that it will come back to me... or feeling I have to sensor myself out of embarrassment... and this is part of what makes the blog good (IMO)...

So now I am left in a bit of a pickle with a few options... I could simply not write it... not this is least favourable if I'm honest... the whole point of this is to give a way for me to get things off my chest... and I definitely feel that this blog has helped my piece of mind... my second option is to just talk about it regardless... now this I could either do cryptically so as to fool the person (which I can't really see happening) or I could just outright say it... but that just isn't going to happen... Now my third option is to just write it and dump it somewhere on the net with no ties to this or me... but I feel that this somewhat defeats the purpose of what this blog was, and the rest of the regulars won't get to see it...


So I'm a little stumped... for once if you ask me extra in person, I'm not going to divulge (or am I ;P maybe to the right people haha) but feel free to offer up on what you think I should do... what would be best for me... not just saying post it blates so I can find out :P

Till next time, Big love xxx

QOTD

Something wrong with me, I'm not getting along with me, my eyes pasted on the ceiling, I can't get my mind to stop working...

Spoiler Alert: Emotions...

So seeing as my last update for a while before these few left us with a somewhat unresolved situation I feel I should give a quick update on the subject...

As for talking... there was a fair dip in activity... but then again I'd tend to be the one instigating it... and I was somewhat afraid to... I guess I'm so afraid of causing conflict that I got to detrimental lengths to avoid it... something I should work on and speak of another time...

She went on holiday, I guess this gave things time to cool off... or at least the niggles in my mind... so now she's back, I've been talking to her if and when on facebook chat... still avoiding the wall to wall situation... just using things that aren't apparent to people who aren't me or her... now I know that sounds sneaky... but I'm running off the ignorance is bliss theory.

Something a good friend (JC) said to me the other night stuck though... I can't remember word for word (we were heavily intoxicated) but essentially he reminded me how much I really want to speak to her... for no other reason than loving the company of someone so alike me...

Now there is something perhaps to get off my chest here... my feelings... I don't actively fancy her... she's a little young (still legal mind) and she has a boyfriend... but right now, if she asked, I'd drop everything and come running... I still have an amount of feelings for her... namely that I could see us being good together... but what's the chance of that eh? :P

Cheers for tuning in xxx

A Fickle Society...

So I've noticed quite recently that people are fickle... and bonds seeming strong can be a lot thinner than originally thought... or in fact can be there only for show, hiding other deeper bonds... cryptic shit right? :P

Well I just wonder why... why would you intentionally do something that will hurt someone you call a friend... or why would you call a friend someone you want to intentionally hurt... I know there's the whole premise about keep thy friends close, and thy enemies closer.... but surely that only applies to dictators in a position where the thought of an assassination is an everyday one... and not groups of 20 or so friends still in their teens... or is that just me being naive (such an ugly word for one as beautiful as me no?) - well I have to fit the humour in amongst the depression somewhere right? :P

I miss a simpler time, one where you knew who your friends were, because your friends were there for you... but I guess that time is gone... now it seems friends cheat, like, backs-tab and even punch you in the face... and yes those aren't metaphors, I speak of a real world dilemma...

and to bring this into the real world... what started as just one bitch-ish comment by me (yes hypocritical.... but if that surprised you then you too are naive) lead to a rare opportunity... I find my self in a strange position where I can find the honest telling of both sides of a story... but I don't know if I should... I fear that if I do, I'll either be seen to backs-tab the side that I currently reside in, not through having a personal stake in, but through staying with the majority, and allowing my conclusion to be drawn from seeing one side of the story and deeming it reasonable and this lead me to be thinking... massive propaganda in the war worked just like this... and surely the "baddies" saw the selves as "goodies" dues to such reasoning based on the bias of propaganda by which the are dubbed "baddies" and because history is written by the victor how do we know for ourselves what is, and what is not, without putting proper consideration to our decisions upon viewing a shape from all angles... or (yes jumping right back in) I will be doing it while having no compassion what so ever for the moment, and so being incredibly cold and pretending to be a friend where I am not... just to find out more...

Now if you managed to follow that all the way down to here... what should I do? All advice welcome...

Thanks, and Big Love till next time xxx

Linky fo' Linky...

So I said I would return the favour next time I posted and here it is Ei8htyEi8ht...

Basically the mutual agreement of some free publicity will do us both good... he linked to me, so go checkout my friends blog (http://ei8htyei8ht2010.blogspot.com) he's doing a poker challenge over this year turning $100 into $100,000 ... some impressive stuff... and if you follow him properly, you could get your hands on upto 10% of that winnings come the end of the year, I know I will be.

Until next time, Big love xxx

Way too long...

So it's been ages since my last post... and there are various reasons for this... one of which being yet another re-installation of my laptop... though hopefully the last for some time as I am now on 64-bit Windows 7 :) ... anyways, geeking aside, life's been hectic, I've spent little time at home, and what I have, has been mostly sleeping... So I haven't really had the time

I've had a fair few things to rant about from time to time, but never when a laptop was available to get them out of my system, so hopefully a fair few will come out over tonight and tomorrow... as they say in the biz, watch this space...

And awkward situation...

So I came off watching a video in full-screen today to this:

"hey, i know this is out of the blue but im having a bit of an arguement with my boyfriend and he said he isnt comfortable with how we talk to each other? i still want us to talk, your a good friend, but i dont want wrong ideas to be given out, this is sounding all messed up and ill explain over time, things are a bit complicated atm, i cant seem to do anything right."

So obviously I feel bad for causing trouble to a friend... and to clarify... I really haven't been flirting with her, just talking... so it was kinda confusing.

I decided to take the moral high-ground with this one and so I said sorry, I said I'd back off on the public chat, n she said that while she didn't see anything wrong, she thought that would be for the best. I then backed things up: "you gotta remember, his jealousy in this situation, is just a form of caring..."

So I then felt pretty good like I'd done the right thing in a situation where the overbearing jealous bf was in the wrong... but then I got to thinking... what if that was me at one point...

I mean, I had the girlfriend, talking with all the guys online... and I had to tell her that I wasn't happy with the way her and one of them was...

But that's only my point of view... what if they were then, like I am now...

Though for the record, she did cheat on me with him, so clearly I was at least some amount right.

So then I got thinking a bit more... and I started wondering what this could really mean? have I been over stepping the line? is he actually just being fair? or is she hiding feelings for me?... to be honest, I'm not totally sure what to do... or how to play this... advice anyone?

Big love in advance xxx

It's been an eventful day...

So for those of you that get the tweet, be it by twitter (@quotesandrants) or the facebook page, today may have left you with some questions. I hope to clear these up by way of a few rants

Well I'm fed the fuck up with mind games... If you wanna talk to me, do, wanna be my friend, do it, don't then don't... but it seriously pisses me off when you're lovely one minute, a massive bitch the next, then asking questions, prodding a sleeping bear just to see how it reacts... well today I snapped... and with style... when someone pisses me off so much and then does the whole "drop a bomb-shell and leave before it lands" well I lost my temper... I'm not proud of it, but I stand by my decision... and tore her a new one.

So why the fuck don't people try being real... say what you feel... stick by it... don't be false just to try and win all the wars... if you don't want the spoils, you don't need to be the victor... just be you.

It's funny how the instant the bear wakes up, you are sorry for poking it... and want to smooth things over with a lullaby and some hot coco (yes I extend my metaphors way too far)... yet up until then you're fine being a massive dick... great *rolls eyes*

So that was the main one I wanted to get out of my system, I may update with more detail to this if it's requested...

Big love till next time xxx

And at the end of the road, I'll hate to say I told you so...

So it seems that the world is finally catching on...

As you all should know, a while back I ranted about how people think they have fallen in love the instant they hold someone's hand, when in actuality they have no fucking clue. If you missed it (http://quotesandrants.blogspot.com/2010/03/better-to-have-loved-lost-and-then.html) - which lead to one of my most quoted rant segments "If it didn't hurt, then it wasn't love, and anal doesn't count".

Well it seems that the rest of the world has finally caught on, or atleast the 140thousand of them who agree with the following statement on mikeandlike.com: "I love him." "How long have you been dating?" " 2 days" "You're an idiot."

Now please don't think that this is a plug, or advertising... I don't suggest that you "like" it, and I certainly won't be. But it's nice to know that even if it's now months and months down the road... people ARE starting to catch-on... so perhaps it's not quite as the great Philip DeFranco says, and common sense ISN'T dead...

Until Next time, big love xxx

Just Clearing Something Up...

So while a lot of you know me, this blog IS anonymous... and while I will happily answer any further questions by txt, msn, or asking me one-to-one... DON'T ask me over a pint in the pub, or say "I read your blog today who was that about?" ... and this isn't directed at one only, so don't feel bad, just respect the privacy, bacause essentially, if it stops being detached from me, then the content wont be as good, simple as... so help me to help you...

Big Love anyways tho xxx

Back to a little slice of the angry...

So it's been far too long since something's gotten me wound up enough to have a serious rant about it... but that day has finally come...

It pisses me off so much how some guys treat good girls like utter shit... and how some things are so fucking backwards!

How can you not no... or not even care when you are so clearly (if not intentionally) hurting someone you claim you love!?!?!?! is it not so fucking blatant to you that cant understand it through that thick skull...

Now while this is a general outburst of anger... it is directed at two people in particular... one breaks up with his girlfriend, via facebook... after cheating on her, and begging her for forgiveness... then just stops talking to her and that's it... The other... captain insensitive, treats his girl like shit, doesn't care about her feelings, always goes on about other women to her, gets angry with her when she tries to talk to him about it...

Now I'm not sure I should even publish this one because it is relatively clear who it's aimed at is you have them as mutual friends... So if you clock it easily then let me know and I'm make it more subtle or just hide it from the facebook page

To keep it more general though... it sickens me how guys treat girls sometimes... it gives the rest of us a bad name... those few of us that actually give a shit (u n me JC :P ) and even those who HAVE to play the game to win (DoucheBag ;)) ... and why do it?... what do you actually achieve?... surely its not any more dificult for you to treat them well, so that they will be happy... surely that will make you happy? or is your happiness directly proportional to your ego? which is in turn grown for every inch of happiness you suffocate out of those around you?... or is that too harsh?

I'll probably tweak this as my mood progresses... so will tweet the updates making full use of RSS grafiti

Until then...

QOTD

This is me calling you out.
You want to talk like a man, then be a man.
Stop talking like you're something.
It's funny how you always have so much to say but it's never to our faces.
I'm right here...

QOTD

Love: The step in a relationship that is followed by heartbreak.

Ceremonial Burning...

So for those of you who follow the twitter or the fanpage then you will have notices the update "Ceremonial burning of things ftw..." Well now I take a small step out to explain this one... so yer, this is emotional, personal, and lacking in Quotes and Rants...

For those of you who don't know, I was engaged at the age of 16... it's not something I'm proud of, and it's not something I would recommend to anyone one whose young and in "love" because you are just too young...

Anyways, needless to say the whole thing went sour, and we ended... badly. One thing that people kept asking me was "Did you get the ring back"... I didn't, it seemed insensitive to ask for it at the time... and I didn't want to see her to ask afterwards tbh.

I did however still have one of the many mementoes and "memories" (little insignificant pieces of crap by the masses) that I had aquired while we were together... one such of these was the little tag with the size of the ring, and the packet that the box came in.

I though I had boxed up and lofted anything I had (I couldn't deal with it at the time) but today amidst a hug clean-up I found aforementioned reminders...

So wrongly or rightly I decided to burn them, I had a candle glass and a sun-melted candle, combined all parts with a few matches and watched the fucker burn... yes I am somewhat I pyromaniac... but that's besides the point..

Hopefully this will be cutting lose on an emotional tether, or maybe just made me feel good at the time... who know's I'm keep you posted

Big love if you made it this far xxx

QOTD

If it's worth having, then it's worth risking what you have already...

QOTD

The only thing you should give up is giving up...

QOTD

"It is much better to regret those things which failed in the attempt, than to regret not trying at all."

The Blog...

So alot of this blog more recently has been more about me getting things off my chest... on a heavier emotional level, as opposed to a ranting level... and there is certainly a distinct lack of quotes...

I'm going to try and bring things back to basics here, making sure there is at the very least a quote to go with my feelings, and try and bring back the anger, this happiness and optimism is making the interwebs less fun... and I feel that while I like the fact that there is about 6 people who know who I am with the access to my spouts of feelings... it would be nice to grow the blog...

thoughts anyone?

big love xxx

wtf...

Why is it that what's all good and fun seem to always get out of hand, and the simplest little stupid thing can get blown into something that it isn't...

It seems that every time I'm involved in practical joking in a group, be it drunken or sober, whatever part I'm involved in seems to be the one that causes the hurt... why... it's not like I do anything that isn't done by others, or infact before or after me... yet it's always seemingly more significant...

However trivial I know the thing is... and will seem again come morning and full explanation I sill feel shit... guilt ridden... and quite frankly like giving up...

Yes there is a story behind this pathetic excuse for a rant... but not one I'm going into unless you really want to know...

that's all for now... more to follow I'm sure xxx

I cba with 1000 words so here's a picture...

The Butterfly Effect...

Now to clarify, this isn't me having a rant at the appalling sequels of one of my favourite all time movies... nor is it a story about tornado's in Japan... more taking the idea of one thing leading to another...

It occurred to me today, that I owed a lot to one decision of "fuck-it" why the hell not... If I hadn't decided to throw reason to the wind, not care about how I was getting home, or how I was going to afford it... then I would never have taken the last minute ticket to see switchfoot last week...

Had that not happened then I wouldn't have had one of the best nights of my life, catching up with a friend who I hadn't seen for too long... nightseeing round london...

Also I wouldn't have met someone who's kind of changed my perspective on things abit... I was all about the pessimism... and now I'm not, optimism is springing back into my life... and while this scares me... and quite frankly I feel like a need a shower after each depression-void thought... I guess it's alot better than the alternative...

I'm also starting to think that I didn't fuck up my only chance at happiness this year... so I put on a happy... no, wait... brave face for the world... but messing up things with jess back in winter crippled me emotionally... alot more than I let on... somehow managed to keep it from my roommate... but I guess there was a considerable part of me that gave up on the idea of love, or ever finding someone... I just assumed that everytime I found someone that I could see myself being happy with... it would never happen... and pessimistically I deemed myself destined to be alone...

With hindsight it was... naive I guess... and I know, its such an ugly word for someone so beauti- anyways... but I guess I was stupid to think that in this big old world there wouldn't be another girl I could see myself with... and it was stupid to think that despite, my hermit like lifestyle, I would probably not meet anyone new with whom things felt... right... like I really clicked with... an unforced... natural connection...

So if you read one of my previous post then you'll know who I'm talking about... and yes it is silly of me to feel this wrapped up over a girl I met just once, and has a boyfriend... and I probably will have an angry rant about guys getting girls they don't deserve in the immanent future... but things just feel so easy... and right... and while I'm not wanting to break any hearts... I feel things are going well... so I'm pretty sure that even if things don't pan out with the end result I ultimately aspire to... that this has done me good... and will teach me a few things about life for now... even if I forget to learn from them in the future...

Cheers for listening if you made it this far... and if you got this via facebook, why not make my day and give it a like...

Big love xxx

WHY DOES IT STILL GET TO ME!!!!!

Ok, so this is somewhat a venting of anger... so it will probably read badly... so sorry...

it's been years since these events have passed and they were stupid little things even at the time, so why the fuck do these things keep replaying in my head and over and over again keep getting to me, keep pissing me off about the double standards in life... it's not like it pissed me off any more at the time... so why am I still supposedly cut up about them?!?!?!

and for that matter why does any of this keep replaying in my head... I've moved on from that haven't I? or have I... the amount it goes over would sadly suggest not... which is total bull crap... its been over a year and a half now... bitch needs to GTFO of my head..........

.... for now

Can has fanpage

Just a quicky, there is now a fanpage on facebook for "Quotes and Rants"

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Quotes-and-Rants/130843306942480

Please "Like" it, it's a combination of these posts, twitter posts and the occasional unique facebook thing. All slotting nicely into your homepage...

Also I will try and get one of the little fan boxes going for this sight... who knows

Until next time, big love xxx

What's that supposed to mean?...

So when giving advice of the heart, everyone seems to pussy-foot around, afraid of hurting people... but I've noticed something... It's going to cause a lot less hurt to just tell them straight and cut them loose...

Now I know I have no right to rant at others with this one... seeing as it's something I do myself... but at-least I'm aware of my guilt in this hypocrisy... and I'm sorry for doing it... from now on I'm going to try and cut the crap from now on...

So the little thing that set me off on this one is this... "It's just not the right time right now" ... now I've been wondering... is that "It's not the right time now, so hold on, and it will be later, don't give up" ... or is it "It's not going to happen, but I don't want to hurt your feeling with that knowledge too much"?... because if it was the second, I could handle it, like I could take wrecking ball to the face rejection at this early stage, but if I'm to hold on thinking it's a, only to find out later, when I'm alot more involved, that it is infact b, that will be alot more crushing...


So be clearer people... its the kinder thing to do!

Big love as always xxx